Life Is Never What You Expect

It's been an especially rough few weeks/month with a lot of introspection. We just passed our two-year mark of trying to conceive without any success or a single positive line on a pregnancy test. It's also about to be my 26th birthday, as well as our third wedding anniversary. I've felt old and dissatisfied, and not at all where I pictured my life to be at this age. 

By 26, I figured I'd be on my way to publishing a novel, I'd be graduated, married, my husband would be done with school, and we'd be healthy and settled into a house and career, and 1-2 little kids running around, and maybe even a pet.

Well, life doesn't quite turn out the way you expect. I'm nowhere near ready to publish a novel yet. Macen is still in grad school. We still have quite aways to go before being done with apartments and settling into a house and career. I'm not healthy due to PCOS and depression. There are no children yet, with no idea when that will occur in the future because of infertility.

It's hard not to be jealous of others and compare timelines. I look at where Macen's mom was at this age with two kids. My mom with the third kid on the way at this age. Girls who are several years younger than me and were still in high school when I served in their ward on my mission and have now graduated high school, served a mission themselves, got married, and are now pregnant with their first. Women my age or younger have settled into houses and careers and have 1-3 kids already. It's hard not to feel stuck or "left behind"; to remember that everyone has a different timeline.

While you are, of course, happy for others and their successes and want the very best for them, there's still a small part of you that is jealous and wonders when it will be your "turn." When you'll be "in" and part of the "life put together" group.

I recently re-listened to a talk that a close friend shared with me in my freshman year of college. It's called, "Unleashing The Dormant Spirit," by F. Enzio Busche. Here's a snippet from the talk that has helped me multiple times throughout the years during difficult times. 

"I want to share with you a vehicle, an instrument, that I developed some time ago for myself and for my family. It can assist us to reach our focus as we read the suggested vision of true discipleship as a Latter-day Saint. It helps when, from time to time, we ponder and seek identification with the following thoughts:

• Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks. The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by Him, and nothing is impossible for you.
• When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love, toward God.
• In your life there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take.
• First and foremost, you are a spirit child of God. If you neglect to feed your spirit, you will reap unhappiness. Don't permit anything to detract you from this awareness.
• You cannot communicate with God unless you have first sacrificed your self-oriented natural man and have brought yourself into the lower levels of meekness, to become acceptable for the Light of Christ.
• Put all frustrations, hurt feelings, and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope. Light will flow into your soul.
• Pause to ponder the suffering Christ felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the awareness of the depth of gratitude for Him, you appreciate every opportunity to show your love for Him by diligently serving in his Church.
• God knows that you are not perfect. As you suffer about your imperfections, He will give you comfort and suggestions of where to improve.
• God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that He makes to us—everything will fall into its place.
• Avoid any fear like your worst enemy, but magnify your fear about the consequences of sin.
• When you cannot love someone, look into that person's eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him.
• Never judge anyone. When you accept this, you will be freed. In the case of your own children or subordinates, where you have the responsibility to judge, help them to become their own judges.
• If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again.
• Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm. On the road toward salvation, let questions arise but never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts.
• Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words. Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet. Be aware of that as you enter places of worship.
• Be not so much concerned about what you do, but do what you do with all your heart, might, and strength. In thoroughness is satisfaction.
• You want to be good and to do good. That is commendable. But the greatest achievement that can be reached in our lives is to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost. Then he will teach us what is really good and necessary to do.
• The pain of sacrifice lasts only one moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it.
• Be grateful for every opportunity to serve. It helps you more than those you serve.
• And finally, when you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that, as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better."

This talk, along with the song "Inner Demons" by Julia Brennan, has helped me tremendously. It's a sweet reminder that God truly is there and mindful of each and every one of us. He loves us individually and has a plan and perfect timing. <3 We may not understand His plan or the why and when of things happening in our lives, but He is there and will guide and help us. He sends tender mercies and angels to help us along our journey. 

One tender mercy has been having a fantastic job that allows me to use my writing and editing skills, work remotely, and have a flexible schedule. Another tender mercy has been living in an amazing apartment complex, with access to a pool and gym for the first time. Us getting our little fur baby puppy has been such a tender mercy in our life. Sam has been such a help with depression and loneliness as he keeps us busy with his antics and cuddles and brings so much joy and laughter. I'm thankful for the angels that have taken the form of supportive, encouraging, and loving family members and friends who have been such a blessing in our lives and been there when we needed them, and we've built so many wonderful memories together. I'm thankful for the angels in disguise that have taken the form of people in TTC groups, where we are in the same boat and help each other. I'm grateful for angels beyond the veil that are there for us. I'm thankful for my health, such as it is, that I still have enough energy and health to work and do what is needed during the day. I'm thankful that Macen could get into a fantastic grad school and have an excellent career in a few years. I'm grateful that in the next few weeks, we'll be able to see a doctor that actually specializes in PCOS and will hopefully have some answers and help us conceive without having to go the route of spending thousands of dollars for IVF. I'm thankful for the blessing of the gospel, the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and eternal families.

So despite all the ups and downs up the past few years and not being where we expected we'd be at this point, I'm grateful for what we DO have. I know that "when you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that, as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better." Our time WILL come, in the Lord's time, that everything we have been working towards and hoping for will happen. It may not be today, and it may not be in the next few weeks or months, but we can be grateful for what we currently have and have faith that more blessings will come in the future. So, even though these past few weeks began with frustration, depression, jealousy, and dreading reaching these milestones, that we weren't where we expected to be at 26 years old and nearly three years married, in the end, I am grateful for the many blessings and tender mercies and angels we've had in our lives. I know there will be plenty of ups and downs in the future, but if I can remember "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Philippians 4:13), then I know we'll be okay. So, here's to making this our year and continuing forward with hope and determination!